It probably wouldn't be so hard to say if it weren't for the idea that it's going to hurt those that think my existence on this planet is for them, personally. Still, it's not those folks who get up every morning wondering if the pain I feel each day will remain under control. It's not those people who wonder if I'll ever have a medicine free day. It's not those people that silently suffer mentally, physically and emotionally because I cannot do the things I enjoy to do every day without pain. So, for them, I am sorry. I'm sorry I cannot do the things I used to do. It's not possible right now. I'm physically broken, emotionally scarred and mentally exhausted trying to put on the plastic smile, keep up with the person I used to be that you want me to be today and do it without crying.
This morning, I had a "get it together" meeting with myself. I've realized I am tired of being tugged on. I'm almost 45 years old now and I haven't had a normal day since I turned 32. Hell, for that matter, I haven't had a normal day since I was 12 years old.
I've spent my life making other people happy to the very best of my ability. I've taken life in stride. I've sucked it up when I didn't think anyone wanted to hear about what I thought about things. I've stopped doing things I love to do because I didn't want to be "out" when anyone might have needed me. I stopped running, reading, swimming, shopping, walking, hiking, gardening, fishing, camping, riding bikes, sight-seeing, going to church on Sundays, and sewing. I stopped doing lots of things so that I could make myself available to those I love with my whole heart. I have learned how to live without doing things that I enjoy because I wanted to; not because I had to. Now? My kids are grown. I don't have to be so available anymore. My husband and I should be enjoying our 40s, but we're not. Why?
Today, I purchased a cleansing kit for my health. I've got to get back to where I was before 2001. I need to get back to the person who wasn't afraid of falling or wasn't strong enough to lift a 20 lb bag of dog food. I have to get back to the person who could squat for an hour and not bat an eye about it because there was no pain associated with it. I have to get strong in my back again so I can enjoy hiking again. I want to get strong again; inside and out. I'm only going to do that when I stop being "available" to everyone but myself. If I'm not happy, I can't expect ANYONE in my life to make me that way. I have to do that for myself. The only way I know how to do that is to just get off my ass and do it. Stop waiting for that "sunny day" that doesn't come. Stop saying I don't have time, there's other things to do, I've got this to go to or that to tend to in the house... I don't have time of a morning, (because you surely would if you'd go to bed at a decent hour stupid).
Yep, I'm over it. I'm over being "available". I want to be unavailable for 30 minutes every morning while I go for a run in my neighborhood and NOT BE BOTHERED! I want to be "unavailable" in the afternoons while I work on my yard and my home, with our without my husband there because it totally depends on whether or not he's working out of town or not. I want to be unavailable on Saturday's so that my husband and I can catch up and do stuff together that doesn't involve WORKING. I want to have energy by the end of the day to crawl into bed with my husband and not be TOTALLY spent when he wants to be intimate with me. C'mon!! I'm not 80 freaking years old! I'm 44 years old for God's sake!! I'm not 80!
Where did the time go? What happened to the person I was? Did it start downhill in 2001 when I got sick? Damn!! I got better! I am in remission!! Are you serious that I am still trying to crawl back out of that dark, damp, decrepit hole I was in? Am I not strong enough to come out of the "pain"? Seriously... there are people that live with this condition every day and they're not crying every day with the pain?! They don't see doctors every 3 months because they have to have medicine to make it through the day. I am SICK TO HELL with taking pills!! I'm SICK TO HELL of seeing doctors!! I'm SICK TO HELL of having to curb the ideal things I enjoy because of being in pain... I'm OVER IT I tell you now. I'm surely over it.
Tomorrow is going to be a whole new day. I will run if I can only run a block. I don't care. At least it's a start. I'll be running again before the end of summer. I'll also give back to myself the right to be healthy, strong and youthful. I'm giving myself permission to be the vibrant, beautiful, strong, healthy, energetic and virulent woman that I am inside my heart. It's going to take some time because I didn't get this way over night. Oh no... I've been wallowing for a while now in my own filth. Yep, filth. That's what I said. Filth of sorrow, inability, weakness, fear, isolation, degradation. No more. Not this chick. I am over it.
Watch as I change everything I've been and see what happens to someone when they get "over it".
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